I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
