just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
