This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
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