areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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