so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
