I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
