the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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