I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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