Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
