So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i love accidental penises.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize