Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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