i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
