Well douche your snatch and let's go!
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
