be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
