Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I party with great urgency now.
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