if i can run in heels then i can drive
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
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