if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
