did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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