You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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