Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
