I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
