Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
