Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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