Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
