just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
