I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
