p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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