I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
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