One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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