Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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