god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
