I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Thank you for not boning my boss.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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