yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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