Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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