chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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