Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
