I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
