That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I need a beard to bite.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
