My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
