Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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