Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
