Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize