I wish my penis had an off switch
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
