i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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