I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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