Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
