So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
