apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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