May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
and you fell through a lawn chair
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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