I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Randomize
