This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Randomize