You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
