i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
