Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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