I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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