Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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