youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
