I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
