fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
