I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Rumble strips road head = magical
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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