I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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